My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Someone shattered a urinal.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
