"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
