Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize