i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We talked him into tasing himself.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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