Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
