My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
