I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
