I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
