Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
