I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
then he tried to convert me to islam
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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