i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
