That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
