So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize