im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
