we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
