does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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