I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
