OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
