i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
