i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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