In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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