Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
