i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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