The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I am one with the molecules
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
