I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize