that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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