I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
