I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
