he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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