I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
