go do what you do best...puke behind churches
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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