imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize