Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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