I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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