foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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