The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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