Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
