You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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