i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
