I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
