The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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