i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
