Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
