Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
