You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize