Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
