i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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