I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
