Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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