Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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