I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
