My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
