do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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