We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
