thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
