Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
