I'm so fucking centered right now
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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