u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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