I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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