The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
