Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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