everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She announced her abortion via fbk
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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