i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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