so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
