So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize