you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize