I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
