So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
