I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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