I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
